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Diverging Light Rays

Into the mercy seat I climb

5/25/17 04:58 pm - Heaven knows I'm miserable now

So,

This unemployed business is as grim as I remember previously.

I feel like I am meant to have become a better representation of the person I was always meant to be.
I wollow in my own pity for how things have come to be.
These were all the choices I have made.
I knew the risk in staying.
And yet I did.
I think mostly, out of a fear of leaving and being in the vast unknown.

Yet I found myself here, standing at the precipice of change and the uknown.
And I am as scared as I always was.

How am I meant to make these choices when I feel so ill equipped?

People look at me and assume that I'm confident and well enough to pick up and keep trekking along.

This is all just so fucking ridiculous.

All men have secrets and here is mine
So let it be known
For we have been through hell and high tide
I think I can rely on you...
And yet you start to recoil
Heavy words are so lightly thrown
But still I'd leap in front of a flying bullet for you

12/23/13 09:55 pm - Empty

Howdy.
So.

The possessive Mother is abhorrently suffocating, and failing to recognise the chronicle and psychological age of her daughter. 24years in one category, and atleast 30 in the other.

Her failure to grasp the independence of her daughter drives me insane, to what right does she have, to say such horrid things : "we should never have had children", "I'm so disappointed", and "your ass will shrink" in reference to my money practices when I have children.
1. I am a Masters graduate, recently finished my degree, and found a job before anyone else in my course. Unfortunate that I lost that job but other opportunities will come into fruition.
2. The source of her irritation is that fact that I am choosing to for away, for 4days, a 4hour car drive away, with good friends and my fiance. For a ridiculously cheap price.
3. Given that I worked, studied and had work experience all year, I fucking deserve a break.
4. How the fuck DARE ANYBODY talk to their child in such a dismissive and hateful way. Some things you can't take back. Kinda like when you told me to move out. Oh, don't you fucking worry, I will. And you will have no one to weep to about your self-indulgent miserable life, and the decisions you failed at making.


I grow weary and rage-filled. The way I would have previously responded, was to cry and feel horrible. She has her ways of control. Alas, this time, I feel angry. And spent the vast majority of the day job-searching. I have a fire to move on with my life. I have no one to answer to. Especially given that I never do anything distasteful. I am respectful, humble, warm, caring, and never dismissive. I went to university and received good grades. I seldom go 'clubbing', nor do I spend ludicrous amounts of money on bullshit. I am sick of being downplayed and taken for granted.

All those times she ignores me, speaks dreadfully to me and apologises half-heartedly the next day, it all just adds to the mounting evidence of her narcissistic personality traits.


The only thing that gives me hope, is that I get a new job and I can leave with my partner. I'm sick of this shit.


In my life
Why do I smile
at people who I'd much rather kick in the eye?

I was happy in the haze of the drunken hour
but heaven knows I'm miserable now
"You've been in the hours too long" she said
And I naturally fled

1/25/12 03:40 pm - Deflated


Life is turning into a piece of shit.
There are only so many university rejection letters and job applications you can physically go through before you begin to feel less than joyful.

Somedays I feel as though I've evolved into a strong and mature minded person, but I always seem to come back down to the same low point. The isolation can almost seem comforting when you feel betrayed.

Betrayed by people who take the novelty out of me, make it their own, then fucking discard me like a used tampon. Fuck you. You want to fucking grow up so fast, and live an empty life.

I often wonder about the edges of betrayal, and whether promises mean nothing when edited. Sure, you're fulfilling what you promised  me, with him. This just proves that you have a lack of imagination to every aspect of your life, but I'm just empty anyway so it's irrelevant.

I'm supposed to be at  a better point in my life, having more support than ever, but its all the same bullshit. Same feelings, but with a strange lack of articulation that I at least possessed when I was younger. I'm dumbing myself down constantly so I don't have to feel the oh so natural cynicism. I struggle through life, always trying to fit in, when something about me is just so pointless to people.

I can't get jobs, make useful friends. The only thing I seem to do is manage to keep a fiance. I find it strange.

I just really want to cut myself out of this predicament and relocate to somewhere new, I wish I could forge a new identity, void of restlessness.


I fell into yesterday.
Our dreams seemed not far away. 
I want to, I want to, I want to stay
I fell into fantasy. 

1/17/11 03:16 pm - Depleted

Ok,
So here I am again, in my room, in the dark at 3:01pm wishing I had just stayed in bed all day.
When is someone actually going to give me a chance?
I leave my job where I was getting weeks without work, hoping for something more and what do I get?
A big fat nothing.
It's not like I'm a shit of a person who doesnt show up for shifts, comes in late, has their phone with them while they work..

So I go and apply for jobs at stores which have signs out the front indicating that they have vacancies of some form.
Great.
I wander inside, smiling, acting generally well-mannered and everything that these small minded fucks would like in a person: well presented and boring, generic, someone with a 2 dimensional mind-set.
And yet, they still wont even consider me.
What's my Dads solution?
Complaining that its my fault that I do not have a car, and that's why they wont employ me
Well, judging by the fact that in no way does it say on my resume that I have a licence or not, and because they wont even give me a chance at an interview,they wouldn't have any fucking idea as to whether I do or not.
Then he goes on to say he will help me.
And my little section of cyberspace, let me tell you this, his idea of helping is making me work in a factory.
What. The. Fuck.
That was the point where I think to myself 'Oh, so THAT'S why I never talk to you about anything actually important" and I crawl back into the dark.
Soon mother will be home and she'll come into my room all concerned and optimistic, like a few words to me will solve all my ailments.

I really wish I could be in school right now, I want to be a part of routine again, and this is all taking too long.
And I doubt I'll end up as high on the food chain as I've hoped to be.

I spent a large section of my life being a miserable person, with figurative and literal scars to prove it.
So I thought I would try this ludicrously happy approach, to no avail.

I feel like that there are 2, maybe three types of people in the world.
Theres 1: They just get things handed to them.
2: They put minimal amount of effort into things and always turn out ok, despite that they've done with their lives, they'll always be rescued. These usually include those who marry well, those whose friends and family who help them out and those who are just really really attractive.
3: Those who struggle, and struggle. Who are good people who put large amounts of effort in with minimal or no return.
I am obviously the latter.

Sigh, whatever.

1/13/11 09:09 pm - The Drowned Girl

Hello journal,
How I miss the days when I would whine into you pointlessly.
It all had no real weighting, as though I whined into you, I always had atleast friends surrounding me.
Now, although I have my partner, that just makes me feel further more pathetic.

I am officially unemployed, although, that is something that would have made me miserable, regardless of whether I stayed or left.
If I stayed, I would have been broken down futher after all the backstabbing from the manager to noobs who know absolutely nothing about existence, all of which, being 16 year olds. They disgust me with how easily manipulated they are. I remember being a shitload more resillient than those scum at 16, and a lot more learned.
This is basically how their working relastionship goes:
"Hello Kirsty, would you mind if I inserted my head into your anus?"
"Sure! Why not!? There's enough room in there for you, my sister might take up considerable amount of space in there however, due to her cranium being filled with mostly fat air! I'll give you all more shifts and shove Vanessa to the side though! YES! She went overseas to see her grandparents whom she hasn't seen for 6 fucking years! Let's punish her! Also, she had about 1 day where she wasn't exactly happy, though, I can be in a crabby-assed mood all I like because I do the wages! And my vagina is as dry and prickly as a cactus-filled desert!"
Ahem.

I find solace in the possibility that I will one day make a small fortune off the misery of others as a Psychologist. That would lovely. As well as mildly ironic.

For now, David Bowie keeps me company, as old friends drift away into the arms of others, whether they are incredibly boring but attempt to be "wild" or decide to find drug use more appealing than me.
See, there in lies my problem.
I am consistent, I have hardly changed, and everyone else around me has.
Either I am uber fantastical and ultra modern and hip, or I might be just boring.
It would be easy to throw away my mind and become an air-head who listens to shit music and gets "smashed" every single week.
But that would be betraying my existence for people who are empty.
I don't want to betray myself for others, I've spent a lot more time by myself here, building my existence.
Oh well.
Life will be more interesting some day.
I just wish it would hurry the fuck up.

hugs, kisses, and STDs
Ness

7/1/06 10:44 pm

This journal will be deleted perminantly in 48 hours.
Comment if you want the name of my new one.
Otherwise, meh.
I don't need a reason.

6/26/06 02:56 pm - Hau Ruck.

And all the boys in the straight-edge scene
are in the basement huffing gasoline they're
Dead, dead, dead, dead



Slighty bored.
Not sure what to write.
The bruise on my arm turned a wierd shade of purple, erotic?
I think something bit my foot too, I got pwnt.
Yeah, grand.
I spent the day watching black and white horror films, I felt like screaming at the peoples stupidity.
I guess that's the point.
Blah blah.
This is the most pointless entry to date.
I think I'll go read over wierd and wonderful conversations.
'cause I'm lame like that.

6/19/06 07:56 pm

Blessed are you says:
Anyways.
I was standing at McDonalds today, waiting for them to make one of those egg & bacon deli rolls.
And Michael Jackson was playing in the background.
Then suddenly, I thought of you.
Then I lol'd.

LOLOLOLOLOL

5/19/06 09:45 pm - BLINK. BLINK. Silence.

I'm slighty bored.
Ever so slightly.
I was doing art, and cutting lino. My hand slipped and I cut my finger rather deep.
Typing is now a bother.
I like to complain, because I can.
No not really.
I'm just bored.
I called Tom, he had company so I let him go. He said he'd call back.
He's a nice kid.
There are stray dogs running around the streets near my school, I'm afraid I'll see a dog get run over, I already have. But another would make me sad. Especially a cute one. With a fluffy tail.
I wonder what happened to all the people I don't talk to anymore.
If they're still who they were when I knew them well, and if they ever think about me, even if it's briefly.
The room smells like wet paint, but the walls are dry and well worn.
Don't understand that logic.
I have no train of thought, I have a ship.
I wish I had a polar bear, just a little one.
I'd name him Luni and love him forever.
Exams are approaching, full steam ahead!
Kinda bothersome, and boring.
Which links back to the beginning.
I'm slightly bored.

3/24/05 09:47 pm - Friends Only Fuckers.

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